Bob-isms and Spam Collage
Bob lives in my apartment building. I've known him for about twelve years. Bob is a bit 'eccentric' mostly owing to his delusions which are harmless but somewhat memorable. Here's a few.
-calls himself "The Bingo Bug Doctor/Cleaner/Giver of Life".
-once blurted out "Bubba bubba bubba eat shit eat shit call my lawyer".
-he once left my apartment because he was being chased by "an invisible light saber".
-thinks that some psychiatric drugs are made with Jim Carrey's DNA.
-he's convinced that the Oakville Ford Plant is a space station.
-says that it takes one minute and thirty-two seconds to teleport to Kingston.
-sometimes calls his medication "massacre drugs".
-his favourite thing to say is "you're a fine young man" and he says it so often that you have to tell him to come up with some new material (which he rarely does).
-reminds people that there are no parasites in his body.
-once said "Where do people get depends? The Crotch Store?".
-occasionally mocks people with down syndrome.
-blurted out "Did you know that dirty underwear can save a marriage?".
-often talks about opening convenience stores in Iraq and Afghanistan (with a straight face).
-"You don't have to go to school to be a medical practitioner. There are 127 different things you can do in your office; Put on a cast, medicine, anatomy..." (huh?)
-"I had a dream and I know how I'm going to die. It will be in 2087 (he'd be about 115) from a double snake bite."
-this one might be the craziest thing I've ever heard. He says that his chiropractic appointment cost $111 million dollars. I tried calling him on it but he wouldn't back down and eventually told me to change the subject.
-asked a friend of mine if he served in Vietnam (he was three when the war started).
-talks about the army recruiting him to hunt sharks in Afghanistan (???!!!).
-yelled off my balcony "I LOVE STOOL SOFTENERS" six times in a row.
this is an ongoing post...
It was a painstaking process, going through well over a hundred spam e-mails just to find very few interesting word combinations. It was a huge editing job and correcting the grammar alone was a nightmare. Some of it was so cryptic that I ended up adding a bit of my own writing just to keep myself interested and for the sake of some kind of continuity. I think this bit is pretty much open to interpretation. Feedback appreciated.
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this is an ongoing post...