Bob-isms and Spam Collage, etc...
Bob lives in my apartment building. I've known him for about twelve years. Bob is a bit 'eccentric' mostly owing to his delusions which are harmless but somewhat memorable. Here's a few.
-calls himself "The Bingo Bug Doctor/Cleaner/Giver of Life".
-once blurted out "Bubba bubba bubba eat shit eat shit call my lawyer".
-he once left my apartment because he was being chased by "an invisible light saber".
-thinks that some psychiatric drugs are made with Jim Carrey's DNA.
-he's convinced that the Oakville Ford Plant is a space station.
-says that it takes one minute and thirty-two seconds to teleport to Kingston.
-sometimes calls his medication "massacre drugs".
-his favourite thing to say is "you're a fine young man" and he says it so often that you have to tell him to come up with some new material (which he rarely does).
-reminds people that there are no parasites in his body.
-once said "Where do people get depends? The Crotch Store?".
-occasionally mocks people with down syndrome.
-blurted out "Did you know that dirty underwear can save a marriage?".
-often talks about opening convenience stores in Iraq and Afghanistan (with a straight face).
-"You don't have to go to school to be a medical practitioner. There are 127 different things you can do in your office; Put on a cast, medicine, anatomy..." (huh?)
-"I had a dream and I know how I'm going to die. It will be in 2087 (he'd be about 115) from a double snake bite."
-this one might be the craziest thing I've ever heard. He says that his chiropractic appointment cost $111 million dollars. I tried calling him on it but he wouldn't back down and eventually told me to change the subject.
-asked a friend of mine if he served in Vietnam (he was three when the war started).
-talks about the army recruiting him to hunt sharks in Afghanistan (???!!!).
-yelled off my balcony "I LOVE STOOL SOFTENERS" six times in a row.
-thinks Las Vegas is its own nation on an island despite having been there.
-doesn't know our prime minister's name.
this is an ongoing post...
It was a painstaking process, going through well over a hundred spam e-mails just to find very few interesting word combinations. It was a huge editing job and correcting the grammar alone was a nightmare. Some of it was so cryptic that I ended up adding a bit of my own writing just to keep myself interested and for the sake of some kind of continuity. I think this bit is pretty much open to interpretation. Feedback appreciated.
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this is an ongoing post...
An old poem I wrote in the late 90's that went viral on a poetry site...
alcoholic actors age artificially
frustrated feminists fornicate fiendishly
clever cops cripple conspiracies
nervous nannies neglect nurseries
morbid ministers murder martyrs
jealous judges justify junkies
lazy lawyers liberate lunatics
paranoid pimps pacify prostitutes
emotional eccentrics execute evangelists
gullible gangsters glorify graveyards
horny hypocrites horrify humanists
impotent invalids inspire incest
scorned schizophrenics sabotage sanity
disgraced diplomats destroy democracy
tormented terrorists terminate treason
reformed revolutionaries regret redemption
Here's one from deep in the archives. A little background on the following piece "Texas wants me dead". I wrote it in March of 1997 about a week before traveling on the Greyhound to Austin, Texas for a Spoken Word Festival. I was in a very fragile state of mind so I thought I'd take the paranoia I was feeling about the trip and write something that went completely off the deep end just for a laugh. I've read it at over a dozen poetry slams over the years and audiences seem to like it.
Texas wants me dead
The State of Texas wants me dead.
I live in fear of Texas every day of my life.
Texas has dismantled and rebuilt me in the image of its anger.
Whenever the phone rings, it's somebody uttering death threats on behalf of Texas.
Texas has been planning my funeral since the day I was born.
Each time I breathe Texas takes it as a personal insult.
Every time a murder is committed in Texas I am directly responsible.
Every time somebody commits suicide in Texas it is my fault.
I am to blame for every teenage runaway, junkie prostitute and serial killer in the State of Texas since the day I was born.
Texas tells me that I belong on Death Row without an appeal.
They won't even give me a goddamn lawyer.
Texas has already signed my Death Certificate but refuses to pay for the funeral.
I've tried to negotiate but Texas hates the sound of my voice and won't let me speak.
Texas has gone to great lengths to neutralize my semen. It was the only weapon I had left.
Texas has isolated my DNA and will try to stop the same mistake from happening again.
The State of Texas will not rest until I am dead and there is nothing I can do about it.