Subliminal White Trash

Welcome. This site contains a cross section of my writing including stories, comedy skits, poetry, dialogues and observational humour with a satirical edge. Feedback is much appreciated. Coming through people! Clear a path! My e-mail is kevincpearce@yahoo.com

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Location: Burlington, Ontario, Canada

After graduating high school in 1995 with a significant amount of embarrassingly cliched emotional baggage, Kevin "Subliminal White Trash" Pearce made his way to Toronto in a perfectly understandable attempt to outrun his past. After encountering many similarly desperate and stubbornly eccentric people, Kevin found his way into the acting and spoken word scenes. With an amazing and almost inhuman effort, Kevin somehow negotiated through his self destructive tendencies on his way to finding some kind of second rate enlightenment in his strange little world of reckless, impulsive creativity. After spending three years in Toronto, Kevin decided to return to the suburbs in order to preserve his diminishing supply of mental health. Sometimes he even thinks it was the right decision.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Couchsurfer's Checklist

You got wasted. Again. You partied your cock off. There is no way that you can get home without passing out in a bus shelter or a ditch or wherever. You ask a friend if you can crash on their couch for the night. They sympathize with your situation and begrudgingly allow you to couch surf for the night. The following checklist will demonstrate exactly what kind of houseguest you really are.

1. Every dollar of food/drink taken - 5 points
2. Drinking host's alcohol without asking - 10 points per beer or ounce of liquor
3. Smoking host's cigarettes - 3 points per smoke
4. Leaving dishes/glasses/cutlery in sink - 2 points per item
5. Broken dishes/glasses - 15 points each
6. Broken beer bottles - 15 points each
7. Spilling drinks on couch or floor causing stain - 20 points
8. Puking on couch or floor - 20 points
9. Pissing yourself on couch - 20 points
10.Excessively loud snoring - 15 points
11.Pubic hair(s) on toilet seat - 10 points
12.Urine on toilet seat - 10 points
13.Leaving shit in toilet - 15 points
14.Plugging toilet with no attempt to fix it - 20 points
15.Bitching about your hangover the next day - 1 point per second

The rating system:

0 - 15 points : You are a model houseguest. Next time you're in an alcoholic stupor you'll most likely be invited back.

15 - 50 points : You are tolerable. Chances are you'll be invited back depending on how drunk your host is.

50 - 100 points : C'mon, man. Get your shit together. You might get invited back but don't count on it.

100 - 200 points : Goddamnit you are a bad, inconsiderate drunk. And you wonder why your friends don't return your calls.

200 + points : You are a raging shitstorm of a drunk. Seriously. Get help. People like you give drunks a bad name. Damn you're an asshole. Drink at home and spare the rest of us your complete inablilty to handle alcohol.

For those of you who play host to drunk couchsurfing friends, consider posting this list on your fridge. And make the bastards read it.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

smoking ANY cigarette at all = full white trash

2:18 PM  

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