"You only have a gambling problem if you lose on a consistent basis. If you win it's a gambling SOLUTION."
"I agree. Passing out business cards at a funeral is not a good idea."
"I hear ___________ and his girlfriend are having a baby. She's two months pregnant."
"Make sure you congratulate them on their new fetus."
"That was uncalled for."
"Sometimes the best things in life are."
"I am the alternative to the alternative's alternative."
"Molesting a canary probably wouldn't do much for your karma."
"Cold beer is hard currency. Don't dispute that."
"You're dancing around the subject like a retarded mule on speed. Answer the question."
"Her idea of living dangerously is not flossing for a day."
"Why do they call it "The Great Depression"? What was so great about it? Jobs were scarce to say the least, people were starving and suicide was an epidemic."
"I think humiliation is the purest emotion. Maybe the most damaging as well."
"Anything that brings his ego down a few notches, I'm all for it."
"Since method acting means complete emotional identification with a character should we not be worried that a method actor who's next part is a serial killer might actually start killing? Wouldn't that be the ultimate dedication to the craft?"
"I cut my finger pretty badly at the firepit on Friday."
"You guys should have a first aid kit."
"Naaah. We just let the blood flow."
Here's a few from a couple of friends...
"Yeah. You might be smarter than me. ON PAPER."
"Alcoholism is more of a lifestyle than a disease. It takes a certain kind of dedication and commitment."
"Just because I'm a civilian doesn't mean I'm civilized."
"Life is too short not to appreciate evil."
"The good thing about having a violent background is that people don't know when you're serious or when you're joking."
"There's nothing I can do now but fuck her best friend. God I'm an asshole."
"Sometimes I think it's worth staying alive just to see how everyone else dies."
"Funny? How about a Cannibal Corpse fan with Tourette's Syndrome."
"I tried to subscribe to the idea that you can get higher without drugs than with them but they were all sold out."
"I know I'm not much of a man but it still hurts being reminded."
"I fold Jack's for breakfast."
"You couldn't get a rise out of him if he had a royal flush and you force fed him Viagra."