Food Bank Skit
"Hey lady. I'm looking for crackers."
"Is that someone's nickname?"
"Probably somewhere. In this case no, lady. Just old fashioned crackers."
"Well, you're in luck. We have crackers."
"Good. Is there a senior's discount?"
"Sir, everything here is free."
"Right....right. Why do they call it a food bank anyways? You ever been robbed?"
"No sir. Everything here is free."
"OK. I'll take everything. Sorry. That was a joke."
"So, you want crackers? What kind?"
"Lady. Look at me. I'm a tired old man. When I was a boy we had one kind of plain crackers and that was the end of it."
"Well, we have eight different kinds."
"Lady. I don't think we're on the same page here. Some days I don't know if I should go to the doctor or jump out a window. I want plain crackers."
"Well, come have a look."
"I trust you lady. Plain crackers."
"Well, we have different kinds of plain crackers."
"Lady, everyone I love is dead and everyone I hate is alive. Work with me here. Plain crackers."
"Well, here you go."
"Thank-you. You know what I do with them? I feed birds. I sit on a bench in a park and feed birds and sometimes a squirrel. That's my life and I'm pretty sure the birds don't care about name brands. Oh, and the squirrel. That greedy fucking squirrel. He's a quick one. Little bugger. Do you know what that makes me? A typical old man with nothing better to do than stare at a lake and people walking by while I feed birds. Oh, and that fucking squirrel. So what I'm doing is basically just perpetuating a stereotype. That's what my life has become."
"Uhhhhh......OK. Anything else with that?"
"No. I mean maybe. I mean yes. I need peanuts."
"What kind of peanuts?"
"Lady, are we seriously going to have this same conversation again? I want PLAIN PEANUTS. Not barbecue. Not salted. Not deep fried. I don't care if God himself sneezed on them. Plain goddamn peanuts."
"And you want them to feed the birds?"
"Yes, lady. And sometimes I might even eat a few. It doesn't matter. What matters is that fucking squirrel that's stalking me."
"Sorry to hear that. Here are your PLAIN peanuts. Anything else?"
"Yeah. One more thing. Do you know where I can get a cheap gun around here?"
"OK. Just remember my face. Remember that I'm one of the good guys perpetuating stereotypes to contribute to the illusion of society so people like you can sleep better at night. GODDAMMIT SOME DAYS I WANT TO EXPLODE. Ah....fuck it. I'll be dead soon. Goddamn squirrel. We'll see who lives the longest. I will eat that furry little fuck on my goddamn barbecue. Do you know where I can buy poison around here?"
"OK. You've been a big help. See, NO. These past few minutes have been very distressing to me. I'm tired of being nice. Is the squirrel being nice? No. NO. He's being greedy and selfish and rude and annoying and that's just me temporarily running out of adjectives. Well, I'm off to the park. Goodbye."
"Have a nice day sir."
"I doubt it. I really doubt it."
Two teenagers at a bus stop...
"Which movie did your mom go see the other night?"
"That new Iron Man movie."
"No shit? Your mom likes superhero movies?"
"Yeah. She's seen pretty much all of them."
"I guess the only superhero my mom likes is Jesus."
"Is that a joke?"
"My mom was watching superhero movies before I was born back when my dad was jerking off in a welfare apartment. She said that once at a dinner party after a few too many glasses of wine."