Bob-isms and Spam Collage, etc...
Bob-isms
Bob lives in my apartment building. I've known him for about twelve years. Bob is a bit 'eccentric' mostly owing to his delusions which are harmless but somewhat memorable. Here's a few.
-calls himself "The Bingo Bug Doctor/Cleaner/Giver of Life".
-once blurted out "Bubba bubba bubba eat shit eat shit call my lawyer".
-he once left my apartment because he was being chased by "an invisible light saber".
-thinks that some psychiatric drugs are made with Jim Carrey's DNA.
-he's convinced that the Oakville Ford Plant is a space station.
-says that it takes one minute and thirty-two seconds to teleport to Kingston.
-sometimes calls his medication "massacre drugs".
-his favourite thing to say is "you're a fine young man" and he says it so often that you have to tell him to come up with some new material (which he rarely does).
-reminds people that there are no parasites in his body.
-once said "Where do people get depends? The Crotch Store?". (straight face)
-occasionally mocks people with down syndrome.
-blurted out "Did you know that dirty underwear can save a marriage?".
-often talks about opening convenience stores in Iraq and Afghanistan (straight face).
-"You don't have to go to school to be a medical practitioner. There are 127 different things you can do in your office; Put on a cast, medicine, anatomy..." (huh?)
-"I had a dream and I know how I'm going to die. It will be in 2087 (he'd be about 115) from a double snake bite."
-this one might be the craziest thing I've ever heard. He says that his chiropractic appointment cost $111 million dollars. I tried calling him on it but he wouldn't back down and eventually told me to change the subject.
-asked a friend of mine if he served in Vietnam (he was three when the war started).
-talks about the army recruiting him to hunt sharks in Afghanistan (???!!!).
-yelled off my balcony "I LOVE STOOL SOFTENERS" six times in a row.
-thinks Las Vegas is its own nation on an island despite having been there.
-doesn't know our prime minister's name.
this is an ongoing post...
Spam Collage
It was a painstaking process, going through well over a hundred spam e-mails just to find very few interesting word combinations. It was a huge editing job and correcting the grammar alone was a nightmare. Some of it was so cryptic that I ended up adding a bit of my own writing just to keep myself interested and for the sake of some kind of continuity. I think this bit is pretty much open to interpretation. Feedback appreciated.
Hugs are swell, but that doesn't merit your poverty. Hold yourself from having an internal organ drift through laxatives and fearless statements like spices that operate a good deal quicker than uncastrated telecasting. For competitive advantage location is crucial to give birth to a well-read artefact to ingest and eliminate. This pregnant proposal needs a bluffing flag for any theory in the cognitive content industry that determines decay. To make an odd perspective manipulate the easiest material possession. Your gift to copulate the becoming line of work in a monetary system by eliminating your attorney and be a vessel on the intelligence position. See the coupons and pay the debts off and don't be dumbfounded by brainwave stimulation. Never conceive of the genuine style tip to remove semblance and lesser information. That is the hook to the sun in the winter if you want penetration try the multitude communication channel. It is comfortable to gain undisguised neediness. Be steady to engage a teacher and do it if you use your dimension capability on them. Manifest your currency rather than nutrients for general knowledge by ensuring your computing faculties. You should drink or your existence may suffer. Locations are around the path to urinate true to your customer interactions if your poverty is victimized then buy your new wholesome lifestyle. Use testimonials from individuals whose knowledge of inebriation of the soul has so far been non-existent. To deepen your psychological feature as you age, a sheltered line of reasoning is what you desire to give when you are not wasted. You should add cranberries into your options to hold back a significant common statement forwarding strategies such as the grunge stains from carpets. Perpetrate doomed family tree vessels and the responsibility of advice from criminals trying to conceal it. In that respect stop on a hot implement being a canned meat maneuver. For the best show target protein intolerance. The noises provide location as your legal document modifies your winnings in magnitude by creating a wholesome intellect of the new you. A fee may process your credibility but do not weaken in front of cameras. Have the noises divided into vessels. The financial obligation combination is unanalyzable but useful with effort that is mostly unremarkably inaccurate. Discuss loss and convert your prey into your present impoverishment of currency to expand your leader of advisable deprivation with saint-like opportunities. Make an odd perspective to secure and manipulate. Use your gift to copulate with rewards being a monetary system. A marriage ceremony is a show that says get over a social unit to command a dimension splice of code so don't ask. Encouraging someone's perception may result in a prison term. The image might be you if it's a thought trap. Hopefully this planet has a little more patience with itself.
this is an ongoing post...
An old poem I wrote in the late 90's that went viral on a poetry site...
DISTORTED DISCOURSE
alcoholic actors age artificially
frustrated feminists fornicate fiendishly
clever cops cripple conspiracies
nervous nannies neglect nurseries
morbid ministers murder martyrs
jealous judges justify junkies
lazy lawyers liberate lunatics
paranoid pimps pacify prostitutes
emotional eccentrics execute evangelists
gullible gangsters glorify graveyards
horny hypocrites horrify humanists
impotent invalids inspire incest
scorned schizophrenics sabotage sanity
disgraced diplomats destroy democracy
tormented terrorists terminate treason
reformed revolutionaries regret redemption
Here's one from deep in the archives. A little background on the following piece "Texas wants me dead". I wrote it in March of 1997 about a week before traveling on the Greyhound to Austin, Texas for a Spoken Word Festival. I was in a very fragile state of mind so I thought I'd take the paranoia I was feeling about the trip and write something that went completely off the deep end just for a laugh. I've read it at over a dozen poetry slams over the years and audiences seem to like it.
Texas wants me dead
The State of Texas wants me dead.
I live in fear of Texas every day of my life.
Texas has dismantled and rebuilt me in the image of its anger.
Whenever the phone rings, it's somebody uttering death threats on behalf of Texas.
Texas has been planning my funeral since the day I was born.
Each time I breathe Texas takes it as a personal insult.
Every time a murder is committed in Texas I am directly responsible.
Every time somebody commits suicide in Texas it is my fault.
I am to blame for every teenage runaway, junkie prostitute and serial killer in the State of Texas since the day I was born.
Texas tells me that I belong on Death Row without an appeal.
They won't even give me a goddamn lawyer.
Texas has already signed my Death Certificate but refuses to pay for the funeral.
I've tried to negotiate but Texas hates the sound of my voice and won't let me speak.
Texas has gone to great lengths to neutralize my semen. It was the only weapon I had left.
Texas has isolated my DNA and will try to stop the same mistake from happening again.
The State of Texas will not rest until I am dead and there is nothing I can do about it.
"I hate your guts."
"You've never seen my guts."
"She was a good friend. I have her autopsy on my wall."
"What? Do you mean obituary?"
"Yeah. Obituary. Whatever."
Bob lives in my apartment building. I've known him for about twelve years. Bob is a bit 'eccentric' mostly owing to his delusions which are harmless but somewhat memorable. Here's a few.
-calls himself "The Bingo Bug Doctor/Cleaner/Giver of Life".
-once blurted out "Bubba bubba bubba eat shit eat shit call my lawyer".
-he once left my apartment because he was being chased by "an invisible light saber".
-thinks that some psychiatric drugs are made with Jim Carrey's DNA.
-he's convinced that the Oakville Ford Plant is a space station.
-says that it takes one minute and thirty-two seconds to teleport to Kingston.
-sometimes calls his medication "massacre drugs".
-his favourite thing to say is "you're a fine young man" and he says it so often that you have to tell him to come up with some new material (which he rarely does).
-reminds people that there are no parasites in his body.
-once said "Where do people get depends? The Crotch Store?". (straight face)
-occasionally mocks people with down syndrome.
-blurted out "Did you know that dirty underwear can save a marriage?".
-often talks about opening convenience stores in Iraq and Afghanistan (straight face).
-"You don't have to go to school to be a medical practitioner. There are 127 different things you can do in your office; Put on a cast, medicine, anatomy..." (huh?)
-"I had a dream and I know how I'm going to die. It will be in 2087 (he'd be about 115) from a double snake bite."
-this one might be the craziest thing I've ever heard. He says that his chiropractic appointment cost $111 million dollars. I tried calling him on it but he wouldn't back down and eventually told me to change the subject.
-asked a friend of mine if he served in Vietnam (he was three when the war started).
-talks about the army recruiting him to hunt sharks in Afghanistan (???!!!).
-yelled off my balcony "I LOVE STOOL SOFTENERS" six times in a row.
-thinks Las Vegas is its own nation on an island despite having been there.
-doesn't know our prime minister's name.
this is an ongoing post...
Spam Collage
It was a painstaking process, going through well over a hundred spam e-mails just to find very few interesting word combinations. It was a huge editing job and correcting the grammar alone was a nightmare. Some of it was so cryptic that I ended up adding a bit of my own writing just to keep myself interested and for the sake of some kind of continuity. I think this bit is pretty much open to interpretation. Feedback appreciated.
Hugs are swell, but that doesn't merit your poverty. Hold yourself from having an internal organ drift through laxatives and fearless statements like spices that operate a good deal quicker than uncastrated telecasting. For competitive advantage location is crucial to give birth to a well-read artefact to ingest and eliminate. This pregnant proposal needs a bluffing flag for any theory in the cognitive content industry that determines decay. To make an odd perspective manipulate the easiest material possession. Your gift to copulate the becoming line of work in a monetary system by eliminating your attorney and be a vessel on the intelligence position. See the coupons and pay the debts off and don't be dumbfounded by brainwave stimulation. Never conceive of the genuine style tip to remove semblance and lesser information. That is the hook to the sun in the winter if you want penetration try the multitude communication channel. It is comfortable to gain undisguised neediness. Be steady to engage a teacher and do it if you use your dimension capability on them. Manifest your currency rather than nutrients for general knowledge by ensuring your computing faculties. You should drink or your existence may suffer. Locations are around the path to urinate true to your customer interactions if your poverty is victimized then buy your new wholesome lifestyle. Use testimonials from individuals whose knowledge of inebriation of the soul has so far been non-existent. To deepen your psychological feature as you age, a sheltered line of reasoning is what you desire to give when you are not wasted. You should add cranberries into your options to hold back a significant common statement forwarding strategies such as the grunge stains from carpets. Perpetrate doomed family tree vessels and the responsibility of advice from criminals trying to conceal it. In that respect stop on a hot implement being a canned meat maneuver. For the best show target protein intolerance. The noises provide location as your legal document modifies your winnings in magnitude by creating a wholesome intellect of the new you. A fee may process your credibility but do not weaken in front of cameras. Have the noises divided into vessels. The financial obligation combination is unanalyzable but useful with effort that is mostly unremarkably inaccurate. Discuss loss and convert your prey into your present impoverishment of currency to expand your leader of advisable deprivation with saint-like opportunities. Make an odd perspective to secure and manipulate. Use your gift to copulate with rewards being a monetary system. A marriage ceremony is a show that says get over a social unit to command a dimension splice of code so don't ask. Encouraging someone's perception may result in a prison term. The image might be you if it's a thought trap. Hopefully this planet has a little more patience with itself.
this is an ongoing post...
An old poem I wrote in the late 90's that went viral on a poetry site...
DISTORTED DISCOURSE
alcoholic actors age artificially
frustrated feminists fornicate fiendishly
clever cops cripple conspiracies
nervous nannies neglect nurseries
morbid ministers murder martyrs
jealous judges justify junkies
lazy lawyers liberate lunatics
paranoid pimps pacify prostitutes
emotional eccentrics execute evangelists
gullible gangsters glorify graveyards
horny hypocrites horrify humanists
impotent invalids inspire incest
scorned schizophrenics sabotage sanity
disgraced diplomats destroy democracy
tormented terrorists terminate treason
reformed revolutionaries regret redemption
Here's one from deep in the archives. A little background on the following piece "Texas wants me dead". I wrote it in March of 1997 about a week before traveling on the Greyhound to Austin, Texas for a Spoken Word Festival. I was in a very fragile state of mind so I thought I'd take the paranoia I was feeling about the trip and write something that went completely off the deep end just for a laugh. I've read it at over a dozen poetry slams over the years and audiences seem to like it.
Texas wants me dead
The State of Texas wants me dead.
I live in fear of Texas every day of my life.
Texas has dismantled and rebuilt me in the image of its anger.
Whenever the phone rings, it's somebody uttering death threats on behalf of Texas.
Texas has been planning my funeral since the day I was born.
Each time I breathe Texas takes it as a personal insult.
Every time a murder is committed in Texas I am directly responsible.
Every time somebody commits suicide in Texas it is my fault.
I am to blame for every teenage runaway, junkie prostitute and serial killer in the State of Texas since the day I was born.
Texas tells me that I belong on Death Row without an appeal.
They won't even give me a goddamn lawyer.
Texas has already signed my Death Certificate but refuses to pay for the funeral.
I've tried to negotiate but Texas hates the sound of my voice and won't let me speak.
Texas has gone to great lengths to neutralize my semen. It was the only weapon I had left.
Texas has isolated my DNA and will try to stop the same mistake from happening again.
The State of Texas will not rest until I am dead and there is nothing I can do about it.
"I hate your guts."
"You've never seen my guts."
"She was a good friend. I have her autopsy on my wall."
"What? Do you mean obituary?"
"Yeah. Obituary. Whatever."
posted by Kevin C. Pearce | 11:15 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home